2014 – Week 1

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Greetings, Gentlemen! Welcome to the first 2014 edition of your weekly HFFL wrap-up report: the Universal Blast! Each week we will do a recap of the important events that went down in the HFFL leagues and in the NFL itself. It’s a madcap voyage through the numbers and highlights to bring it all together and unify the leagues! I hope you enjoy it!

Now, on with the show!

First Things First

Week 1 in the NFL is always a bit dicey. Sure, we’ve followed our teams and players during training camp and the preseason, but all of that is often smoke and mirrors. You don’t really know what’s going to happen until the lights are on and the games are real. Then you learn how right or how wrong the predictions were. This year, some appear to have been very wrong. For instance, the Patriots lost to the Dolphins. The Bears lost at home to the Bills. The 49ers defense, which appeared shaky in the preseason, was all over Romo and the Cowboys, leading to this interception/Dez Bryant spine-breaking:
So really, after the preseason, we all just want to see real football. And week 1 delivered that in spades! We had the MJD foot-fumble:
We had the Lamar Miller shoe-launch fumble (seriously, how high did that shoe go?!):
And finally my personal favorite: the Antonio Brown high kick to the Browns’ punter’s face:

Wow. Thank you, NFL, for putting the “foot” back in football this season!

Okay, let’s get to the meat and potatoes. What happened in the HFFL Leagues this week? What teams are looking dominant? What teams are already scrambling to fill roster holes? All will be revealed. Read on!
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You’ll recall that the League of Champions (LOC) is made up of the best teams from each league last year. So the level of competition should be a bit higher. Time will tell if that is indeed the case, but week 1 showed that we may already have a few juggernauts. Here are the scores:
Week 1 – Final Results
The highest LOC score of the week went to the Maulers, happened to play the lowest scoring team of the week. Matt’s team benefited from Calvin Johnson’s monster game to crush Carl and seat himself atop the league early. The Muffins were sitting pretty after the Sunday noon games, but then Julius Thomas and Matt Stafford happened and Luke stormed back to beat Mike. _diddY took a bit of a chance by drafting La’veon Bell, but the gamble paid off in a big way as Bell helped him ease by Chad by 16 points. Longtime HFFL vet Bob Distad is in the LOC for the first time and now has his first LOC win too as the Nerd Herd beat PowerRanger Princess. Bob is looking like a genius for drafting the Vikes Defense now. The Goldfinches also got their first LOC win, beating Python (who struggled aside from Marshawn’s huge Thursday). And, in a tight game, Malicious Mark got by Eponymous Wayne by 9 points. 

Here’s how the LOC stands after 1 week:
Rank Team W-L-T Pts For Pts Agnst Streak Waiver Bdgt Waiver Moves
1 avatar Pittsburgh Maulers 1-0-0 116 63 W-1 $100 3 3
2 avatar MN Mongrels 1-0-0 111 98 W-1 $94 11 4
3 avatar _ diddY 1-0-0 106 90 W-1 $100 2 2
4 avatar Hiawatha Goldfinches 1-0-0 96 81 W-1 $98 1 2
5 avatar Nerd Herd 1-0-0 91 77 W-1 $100 7 1
6 avatar Tragically Malicious 1-0-0 89 80 W-1 $100 8 1
7 avatar The Kosher Muffins 0-1-0 98 111 L-1 $100 12 1
8 avatar The Country of Chad 0-1-0 90 106 L-1 $93 10 3
9 avatar Team Python 0-1-0 81 96 L-1 $100 6
10 avatar Wayne Thompson 0-1-0 80 89 L-1 $100 4
11 avatar PowerRanger Princess 0-1-0 77 91 L-1 $95 5 4
12 avatar Lakehouse Vikes 0-1-0 63 116 L-1 $100 9

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In the Premier League (PL), it appears we have a topsy turvy makeup. The “haves” and “have-nots” of week 1 are fairly clear. What isn’t clear is if this is a trend or a mirage. But in week 1, overreaction is about all we can do! So let’s get to the scores and analysis!

Week 1 – Final Results

Yes, you read that right! HFFL rookie Ron somehow posted 142 points in week 1! Unbelievable! Again, Julius Thomas and Calvin Johnson are due the most credit, but Green, Vereen and Ingram also made large contributions. Ableman didn’t know what hit him. The PL is now on notice! Elsewhere, Chris Thompson’s Vandalay Industries absolutely crushed the Eh Team, more than doubling up his score. That’s the Stafford factor again. And the Dominators overcame a valiant effort from rookie Herbal Tonic to win by 15 thanks to Lynch and Luck. The Limbs are off and running, scoring 103 and beating Ty Juice. Wanna Be might be living up to his name a bit too much as Kevin only managed 53 points in a loss to the deBrewliner (who only scored 68). Ouch.


And in the year’s first War of the Christophers (WC I), it was Anderson besting Wachter by a mere two points! There are 3 Chris’s in the PL this year, so we’ll check back in on the progress of these wars as the season goes on, but for now the score is Anderson 1-0, Wachter 0-1 and Thompson 0-0. 

Current PL Standings:
Rank Team W-L-T Pts For Pts Agnst Streak Waiver Bdgt Waiver Moves
1 avatar Orcwardness 1-0-0 142 91 W-1 $100 12
2 avatar Vandalay Industries 1-0-0 121 51 W-1 $100 11
3 avatar The Dominators 1-0-0 106 91 W-1 $100 10
4 avatar The Phantom Limbs 1-0-0 103 78 W-1 $100 9 4
5 avatar Quantum Phonics 1-0-0 88 86 W-1 $100 8 1
6 avatar deBrewliner 1-0-0 68 53 W-1 $100 7
7 avatar Herbal Tonic 0-1-0 91 106 L-1 $100 6
8 avatar Randy Ableman 0-1-0 91 142 L-1 $100 5
9 avatar The Cutlass Cieras 0-1-0 86 88 L-1 $100 4
10 avatar Ty Juice’s Team 0-1-0 78 103 L-1 $100 3
11 avatar WannaBe 0-1-0 53 68 L-1 $100 2
12 avatar The Eh Team 0-1-0 51 121 L-1 $100 1 2

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And last, but certainly tied for least with the PL, we have the Elite League. It’s a strange land where a team can score 105 and still lose. Where a team can score 75 and still win. Matchups matter! Let’s see those scores!

Week 1 – Final Results

The sad tale of the Chobani Champions is one where their QB managed to get them 30 points (Matt Ryan), but their opponent had Peyton and Patterson and the Ryan’s huge week was nullified. Cory takes 105 points to the loss column while Nate assumes his place atop the league. Ihenachos also scored 105, but those points went to the win column as he got by BigHassler by 15 thanks to the Lynch/Bell backfield exploding for 48 combined points. Nudibranch had to stay up very late (or probably wake up very early) to see the final score of his game as the Monday night games earned him a 4 point win over Sesquipetantic. Rookie Butterslide got a rude welcome to the HFFL as his team was defeated by Russ. Boy, it sure would have helped if the Chiefs and remembered that they have an RB named Jamaal Charles and given him more than SEVEN CARRIES!!? H-Ike’s Daddy didn’t get his first win last year until very late in the season, but this is a new year and he’s on the board at 1-0 after beating InstaGraham by 6. And whatsyoname could only muster 53 points in a week 1 loss to Jake. When Cam didn’t play, Isaac’s fate was essentially sealed. But honestly, his bench QB Eli Manning wouldn’t have been much better…

Current EL Standings:

Rank Team W-L-T Pts For Pts Agnst Streak Waiver Bdgt Waiver Moves
1 avatar Gwardians uda Galaxy 1-0-0 111 105 W-1 $99 11 2
2 avatar Ihenachos Deluxe 1-0-0 105 90 W-1 $100 3
3 avatar Nudibranch 1-0-0 94 90 W-1 $100 2
4 avatar Rüssnôçérôse 1-0-0 92 69 W-1 $100 4 4
5 avatar Jake’s Quality Team 1-0-0 84 53 W-1 $100 1 2
6 avatar H-Ike’s Daddy 1-0-0 75 69 W-1 $100 7
7 avatar Chobani Champions 0-1-0 105 111 L-1 $100 12 1
8 avatar Sesquipetantic Squad 0-1-0 90 94 L-1 $100 10
9 avatar BigHassler 0-1-0 90 105 L-1 $99 9 2
10 avatar Butterslide 0-1-0 69 92 L-1 $100 8 1
11 avatar InstaGraham 0-1-0 69 75 L-1 $100 5 2
12 avatar whatsynoname 0-1-0 53 84 L-1 $100 6

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So each week, the commish uses an extremely complicated metric to determine which HFFL team distinguished itself the most. It could be a scoring explosion, a tightly contested victory, a savvy roster move or just a whim. In any case, it’s a highly sought after award (except that it may or may not carry a curse for the next week). 

Our first winner of 2014? I can’t NOT give it to Ron and Orcwardness! 


It’s only 1 week, but Ron’s team looks to be the class of the PL at this point. Ron is new to the HFFL, but not new to the fantasy football and it showed. Those of us in the PL with him are hoping that he and his motley band of Orcs burn themselves out before the plunder really gets rolling. Next week he faces the Phantom Limbs, so the Commish is hoping that the Hiawatha Fantasy Football Team of the Week (HFFTotW) Curse holds up here! 

Congrats, Ron! And welcome to the HFFL!
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Here’s where you’ll find all the important league updates and information! For this week, the only thing you should know is that the waiver system is officially underway! If you need to swap out a player, remember that all available players go on waivers at the start of their games. To pick one up from waivers, you must place a blind bid on him from your $100 waiver fund. If you bid highest, you get him. If someone outbids you, you’re out of luck. So bid strategically, knowing whether other teams might be targeting your guy too. Alternatively, wait out the waiver period and on Wednesday, pick up any available player as a “free agent”. Good luck!

I’d also like to point out HiawathaFantasyFootball.com, where you can find historical stat informationback issues of this newsletter and… the Super Standings. Later today, you’ll find a standings chart that includes all 36 teams across all 3 leagues! How does your team stack up against the universal competition? Find out in the Super Standings!

Until Next Week,
Commish Peter

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