HFFL Universal Blast: Week 5

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Perhaps you recall “The Miracle Catch”. November 6th, 2000. Monday Night Football, Packers and Vikings. Antonio Freeman has this catch (trigger warning: Vikings lowlight):

Yeah, tipped off the defender, off Freeman’s back and into his hands and it’s a TD. Well, this week, we got the spiritual sequel to that miracle catch. And it wasn’t courtesy of a big name receiver, but a tight end who sounds like a rural Minnesota soy bean farmer: Gary Barnidge.

Off his foot, off his butt, through his legs, complete. Touchdown. Unreal.

Now, I have to atone for showing a Packers highlight, so here’s Rams rookie RB Todd Gurley upending Clay Matthews:


The Patriots might finally have a legit #1 running back and his name is Dion Lewis. And he can do things like this:

Very nice. Reggie Bush used to be a #1 running back, but things haven’t gone his way recently. This week, he spent a lot of time on the sidelines looking sad:

Also looking sad, Washington player Trenton Robinson, who celebrated a missed FG by hurting his knee! Oops.

You know who isn’t sad? The Bengals! They are undefeated and came back from being down 17 points in the 4th quarter to win their game in OT over the Seahawks when the kicker banked in a long FG!

So the NFL still has a bunch of undefeated teams left, but the HFFL has only three! Who are they? And was this the most important Monday Night game so far this season? Read on, my friends!

LoC Logo

The HitMan is untouchable! Scores:

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Yes, Hassler had his hands full with Butterslide this week, but when LaVeon had a big game on Monday night (including the go-ahead TD as time expired, a play apparently drawn up by the injured Big Ben!), the HitMan prevailed and moved to 5-0! Unbelievable. Speaking of Monday night, Antonio Gates was back on the field for the first time and #CutTheCheck went ahead and started him. It was the right call, but Gates’ 21 points weren’t enough to catch up to Malicious and his 101. The Finches benefited from the Limbs’ trust issues with Doug Martin and took the contest handily. WOLYA Nothing is up to 4-1 after beating And He’s Loose!! on the Vikings bye week. The Eh Team is also 4-1 after knocking down The diddy by 10. And Fountain of Bacon got over No Money, no problem.

Current LOC Standings:

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Premier League Logo

Again, the PL was the official home of drama this week! Let’s dive into the scores:

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Nana Nancy ran out to a good lead over the Muffins on Sunday, but Dev had LeVeon on Monday. And it was on that final play of the game that the Muffins killed Nana’s dream and took the game by 4! What a finish! Sorry, Nana.

Amanda Hugginkiss and the Dominators dueled each other all weekend until only Danny Woodhead remained for Hugginkiss on Monday night. Woodhead’s 7 points was good enough for … a TIE! That’s the kind of week it was in the PL. Elsewhere, it’s now a 4 game winning streak for The Original Wonky! Matt drank from the KRUG mug on Saturday and vanquished the Kommander on Sunday. Matt now sits atop the PL. The Tusken Raiders have hit a rough spot in the schedule, losing their second straight game – this time to Russ. The Nerd Herd ran out of gas this week and lost their first game of the year thanks to Might Mouse Rat. And, proving that owners in Europe have a hard time winning, Polska was downed by Flanders.

Current PL Standings:

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Elite League Logo

“Last Place” didn’t lose this week! Wait, wait! Hold your applause, he didn’t win either. And figuring the playoff fate of the Cieras will now be very, very complicated as a result. Scores:

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Yes, yet another tie! This time, you have to feel bad for Johnathan’s team. After starting 0-4 on the season, he put together 105 points in a single week! Antonio Gates appeared and gave him 21 to go with Green Bay’s defense’s 22. Alas! His opponent, the Cieras, also scored 105! That’s Wachter’s second tie of the season already! Yeesh. And for Johnathan?

It’s no longer big news, but Randy Ableman and Marshmallow Mateys both prevailed again this week to go 5-0. Ableman crushed the formerly undefeated Nudibranch by 25. The Mateys had a tougher contest, but still managed to defeat Turn Down for Watt by 14. These two juggernauts will face each other in week 7. Will they both still be undefeated by then? The Farce is still awake, beating the newly christened “Comeback Kid” by 8 and keeping Caleb winless. Wayne’s Hashtag was the high scored in the EL this week, beating up on Sesquipetantic by 35. And in an 80’s throwback battle, michael+magic+bird lost to He-Man in a low scoring affair.

Current EL Standings:

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For the first time this season, a rookie has won the HFFLUBTotW award! The Original Wonky (Matt R.) lost his first HFFL game, but didn’t let that bad start get him down. Taking his own advice, he didn’t let his dreams be dreams. Since that loss, he’s reeled off 4 straight wins! And when the Nerd Herd lost their first game this week, Matt claimed the top spot in the Premier League! His team looks like it’s built for a deep playoff run this year. Not bad for a rook! Congrats, Matt!

So far this season, every team who has won this award has won their next game! Four weeks in a row now. Look out, Muffins! You’re Matt’s next opponent!


So now comes week 6. On byes are Dallas, Oakland, St. Louis and Tampa Bay. Playing the Thursday game are Atlanta and New Orleans!

We are fast approaching the halfway point of the regular season! Just a friendly reminder that only the top six teams in each league will make the proper playoffs. The rest will fight it out for the Toilet Bowl title in the consolation bracket. Read all about it on the Rules page. But with 8 games still remaining, no team is mathematically eliminated from contention yet! Don’t give up!

Until Next Week,

Commish Peter

3 thoughts on “HFFL Universal Blast: Week 5

  1. Shia surprise!!! Thanks Commish. My dream of having my face cropped onto the most inspirational speaker in history is now complete. #thebeautyofthegreenscreen First, I must introduce myself to the rest of the league. My name is Matt Reynertson. I have been at Hiawatha for just about a year, mostly residing on the far right of the pews. Just graduated from the University of Minnesota and now live up in Little Canada. #notthecountry Second, I must say it is an honor to have Shia LaBeouf, as belligerent as he may be, as my team mascot. There is nothing predictable about him. You just know, as uncomfortable as it may be, that he will reign supreme. After my C draft grade and losing to Flanders, I knew that nothing would be the same. Because of you Nick, I am not a dreamer. I’m a doer. #carpediem

    Thirdly, I would like to use this megaphone to uplift the bottom-dwellers. Caleb, that includes you.. #shoutout In the great words of Ghandi,

    “Yesterday, you said tomorrow. So, JUST DO IT! MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!! JUST DO IT!!! Some people dream of success, while you’re going to wake up and WORK HARD AT IT! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! You should get to the point where anyone else would quit and you’re not going to stop there. NO! What are you WAITING for!!! … DO IT!!! JUST DO IT! Yes, you can! JUST DO IT!!!”

    Thanks for the HFFLUBTotW award and placing me in the second best league in the HFFL. #sometimesthetruthhurts #elitemeansthird #premierpride

    On Tue, Oct 13, 2015 at 7:37 AM, ‘Hiawatha Fantasy Football’ via Blast Distributi

    Liked by 1 person

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