HFFL Universal Blast – 2017 Week 13!

Blast Logo 2017

It’s the final week of the regular season in the HFFL, but the NFL still has a ways to go. This week was a big statement week for the Minnesota Vikings as they beat the resurgent Falcons and then watched the Eagles lose to the Seahawks, giving them the top spot in the NFC for now!

The Patriots won again, but Gronk lost his mind and doled out this idiotic and dirty hit:

Gronk has now been suspended for week 14, though he is appealing the ruling.

Marcus Peters also got in trouble for losing his temper, but his offense was a lot less dirty:

The wheels have completely fallen off of the Broncos bandwagon this season. This week, the Dolphins crushed them. They even went ahead and ran an onside kick play when they were leading 33-9 in the 4th quarter!!

That’s cold. And Tarik Cohen gave us the special teams play of the year with this return:

And the Saints beat the Panthers in a big divisional game. Check out this leap after the TD:

Well, it’s taken 13 weeks, but the HFFL playoff field is FINALLY set in stone! Let’s see how the dust settled!

LOC Logo (1)

Who’s in and who’s out?? Scores:

loc w13

All that really matter here is who managed to make the playoffs and who will toil in the Toilet Bowl bracket! Real United, Lucky Bears? and Comeback Kid all won and solidified their positions. Andrew and Ron each earned first round byes! Eric’s team lost, but is in the playoffs. Malicious got a bit of a scare but won and snatched the 5th seed. The drama was with the 6 seed and Nerd Herd comes away with it! By virtue of having the higher point total, Bob gets in and Thrillhouse is out in the cold.

So that’s the story. Here are the final LOC regular season standings heading into playoff next week!

loc w13 stand

PL Logo

The PL had a logjam to reckon with, which means there were some very brokenhearted teams this morning. Scores:

pl w13

First, let’s acknowledge what happened when a movable object met a stoppable force. The Dominators got a 1 point win (their 2nd W of the season) by handing Greg his 9th (NINTH) straight loss. Wow. But atop the standings, Omahallelujah and Don QuiJulio are getting hot at the right time. They dethroned Layne Ducks and stole the first round byes! Layne limps into the playoffs on 2 straight losses. Beta Blockers won again and get in. Mr Fox backs into the 5 seed with a loss. Them there’s the problem. 3 teams finished 7-6, but it’s the sometimes-confident Tom who gets into the playoffs with 1206 total points. Jim and Tyler are relegated to the Toilet Bowl Bracket. Or maybe that was their plan all along? Get to the LOC by beating easy teams instead of hard ones?

So there you have it. A contentious PL field shakes out like this for playoffs next week. Final Regular Season Standings:

pl w13 stand

EL Logo

The EL had a 7-6 logjam too, but it looked like two of the 3 teams would get in and leave only one outside. Who’s the unlucky one? Scores:

el w13

So here’s the thing: FOUR teams finished 8-5 and THREE teams finished 7-6. At the top, Pesticides was victorious for the 5th straight time and his point total vaulted him to the top seed! Hot on his heels was Blasto, followed by the slumping Mateys. The, the resurgent HitMan appears. Then it’s tricky. Sesquipedantic lost, but they do have 1100 points. That gives them the edge. Next is Wayne, who NEEDED a win this week and got it. And that means that Polska, even with a win, is just below the cut.

Sam and Clint will be the top two seeds in the Toilet Bowl Bracket, which means they also get first round byes. Clint, strangely enough, is the 2nd highest scoring team in the EL, but he finished  in 8th place. There are some really good teams in the EL Toilet Bowl this year!

Final EL Standings:

el w13 stand

hfflubtotw blast


download (1)

The Beta Blockers definitely have a brain behind them! David’s team is the highest scoring team in the HFFL in the regular season! And that’s with leaving 67 points on the bench this week in Alex Smith and Tyreek Hill! But can he keep up the pace into the playoffs!?

housekeeping blast

The final superstandings are being computed! Soon you’ll be able to check out how you compared to the rest of the HFFL universe during the regular season! Those stats will be added to your career stats, which are available at the link above. Now all that remains is to find our LOC teams for next year and crown our 3 champions!

The playoffs are here! Good luck to everyone! And remember, even the Toilet Bowl teams are playing for something! The consolation bracket winner will earn a ticket to the LOC!! And the top two seeds in every bracket (playoff or Toilet Bowl) have byes next week! Enjoy your rest and get your teams ready to play for their lives!

Programming Note: If this edition of the blast seems a little scattered, it might be due to this bothersome incident on Long Island.

View this post on Instagram

Did I order a 2:30am wake-up call? Ugh.

A post shared by Peter Carlson (@aristotleslantern) on

Until Next Week,

Commish Peter

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